Way, way before

“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. But that doesn’t mean I can’t take it. It seems that we keep sabotaging ourselves, that we keep doing things that keep us apart despite the love that everyone can see. Isn’t it enough? We are perfect together, we get along as no one and I feel safe and relieved, as if I am by your side happiness will live with us forever. Like anything can destroy us. But then I think about myself without you. I’m not the same, of course, but it’s still me. I still like it, to be on my own, feeling that I’m not attached to anything. Or anyone.

Sometimes I think it is too selfish, that I’m so concerned about myself that I forget you also deserve to be happy and do what you want. But I’m not ready, honey, not yet. Taking another step – and it’s ironic, because physically we can’t move forward – could destroy us.. I don’t know what I feel. I’m a mess; feelings come and go as if they were the same wind. Emotions pass by my head and heart as the train that should take me to you. I don’t know what I feel. Besides, I know I love you.”

I wrote it months ago.. now I'm with him and I'm the happiest girl ever. How change things, right?

Never mind, I'll find

someone like you

Actions have consequences

Las acciones tienen consecuencias; lo sé, lo acepto. Nadie puede salir bien parado de algo que hace por impulso, sin ningún tipo de pensamiento previo (literalmente, remarco, ninguno); igualmente, nadie es inmune a lo que luego diga la gente.

Yo no soy así. Lo sé, en mi interior lo tengo claro; haya hecho lo que haya hecho, sé que no es lo que quiero.. y aún así no sé como cambiarlo. No sé cómo evitar ciertas cosas que he hecho, parece que no aprenda. ¿Es normal eso de repetir errores hasta que la última solución existente sea abandonar el país?

Ha llegado el punto en que parece que haya tirado el calendario atrás y que vuelva  a tener doce años. Vuelvo a sentir que ya nadie me entiende y que no puedo fiarme ni de mi propia sombra, literalmente me da pánico ir a clase, me da pánico la gente y lo que ésta pueda pensar.. Tengo miedo a estar sola. Aunque esté rodeada de gente y sepa que muchos de ellos no van a ir a ninguna parte. 

Ever after

How could you? How could you do this to her? She loved you, she truly loved you, and you left her completely broken. You were not even sad, just different maybe. You were all like “fuck, now everyone will know”, but you didn’t even worry for her. For what you had done. For what you had lost.

You know? She was willing to forgive all that you had said, all that you hadn’t done; but then she found out. And you couldn’t at least apologize to her. It wouldn’t have changed anything, but maybe she would be different now. She would know that, after all, you weren’t proud of it, you weren’t proud of hurting her. But that’s the worst part, that you didn’t regret it. Maybe she would be able to feel again, to love again and most of all to let people love her again if she knew it wasn’t at all her fault.

However, that’s the risk of betting for what you want, you can always take with you the worst part. And at a certain point, that’s what she did. 

Ahora lo sé

Hubo un tiempo en que todos los chicos me hacían daño. Fuera como fuera, siempre terminaba todo con alguna mentira. Mis amigas me decían que era mi culpa, que era yo quien los elegía y quien confiaba en ellos, que era yo la que dejaba que me hicieran daño. Me decían que no me valoraba porque dejaba que las cosas pasaran como tenían que pasar, que no los culpaba a ellos de todo lo que ocurría. Como si ellos decidieran si las cosas iban bien o no, ¿verdad? Como si lo decidiera yo.

Llegué a pensar que había algo malo en mí. Llegué a pensar que lo estaba haciendo todo mal, que era la culpable de todo lo que me pasaba. Y hay veces en que simplemente no hay culpables. Las cosas pasan, cambian, quedan, y no siempre hay una razón por ello. Me habrá costado años darme cuenta, pero ahora sé que no era mi culpa. Todo necesitábamos crecer, y yo necesitaba creer en mí misma, y por encima de todo, por mi misma.

La mayoría de veces mis amigas siguen sin entenderme, pero supongo que en cierto modo no me afecta; sé que en muchos aspectos pienso diferente a mucha gente. Y me seguirán y seguiré haciendo daño involuntariamente, pero no me importa, así es la vida, así somos nosotros. Sé que no hay nada mal en mí. 

Caught

What happens? I thought I was over it. I thought I was over everything. I wasn't supposed to feel what I've felt this last two weeks; rejected by somebody who I used to think that was a friendly face all over the crowded beach and who finally made me fall apart. Nostalgic about the things I never meant to feel, about all the emotions that appeared years ago and exploded in front of me before my last trip. I almost cried over someone I barely know, and I definitely wasn't supposed to do it. What about the summer break? What about keeping all the feelings hidden inside a suitcase between the bed and the floor?

I used to think everyone can control themselves, even when you have controlled yourself for a long, long time. I used to believe in love, in all types of love and now it seems I never can get enough of anything; either I’m looking for more or just trying to avoid everyone who puts an interest in me. I don’t know what I’m feeling, or why I am feeling it. I don’t know who I want and for what, I don’t know if I should do the things that I want taking the risk of being judged – and it will happen, and I will regret it – or just live the way my friends and no-friends think I should.  

I just think I am lost. And I don’t know how to find myself back.