What
happens? I thought I was over it. I thought I was over everything. I wasn't
supposed to feel what I've felt this last two weeks; rejected by somebody who I
used to think that was a friendly face all over the crowded beach and who
finally made me fall apart. Nostalgic about the things I never meant to feel,
about all the emotions that appeared years ago and exploded in front of me
before my last trip. I almost cried over someone I barely know, and I definitely
wasn't supposed to do it. What about the summer break? What about keeping all
the feelings hidden inside a suitcase between the bed and the floor?
I
used to think everyone can control themselves, even when you have controlled yourself
for a long, long time. I used to believe in love, in all types of love and now
it seems I never can get enough of anything; either I’m looking for more or
just trying to avoid everyone who puts an interest in me. I don’t know what I’m
feeling, or why I am feeling it. I don’t know who I want and for what, I don’t
know if I should do the things that I want taking the risk of being judged – and it will happen, and I will regret it – or just live the way my friends and no-friends think I should.
I
just think I am lost. And I don’t know how to find myself back.